I was sitting waiting on some friends in front of an event. A man pulls up on a van, his wife steps out to get tickets, he and the children drive off to park and wait. He whistles at her in a coquette manner as she walks into the place. She ignores him. A short time later the wife steps out and frantically starts searching for them in the parking lot. She calls him on her cell rather loudly, “Hey, where are you?” He must’ve answered, “I’m here.” She then says sarcastically, “I AM HERE! If you were here I would see you. YOUR here is not MY HERE.” She sees the little girl waving and walks towards the end of the parking lot.
I sat there thinking about relationships. How many times don’t we think to ourselves, “I am here. Where are you? Why aren’t you seeing me?” It happens with out mates, our children, our parents, and even friends. We want to be acknowledged. We want to be heard. Nothing is more relevant than knowing that our presence is honored and appreciated.
Whenever I had something important to say to my young children I would make sure they stopped whatever they were doing. I sat or stood in front of them and asked for their attention. “Look at me for a second, sweetie….” Then to make sure it was heard I would ask them to please repeat it back to me. This was necessary because otherwise they didn’t seem to comprehend. With them, I used small sentences. I made sure there were no long explanations because children need simplicity. When my mother got ill I had to use the same technique. It’s usually in those few words that the brain understands that it needs to pay attention. The tone of your voice is vital in how another person listens.
And so it is in relationships! We are often asking, “Why am I being ignored?” But the question we should be asking is, “How am I saying this? What needs to change in my presentation in order to be present and acknowledged?” Are you yelling your thoughts into chaos? Are you screaming in anger? Are you ignoring that the timing might not be right? You cannot blame another for what they are thinking when their ‘here’ is not in alignment with the way you perceive it to be.
Listening and hearing are two different animals. One requires being. The other is just noise. We have been accustomed in this society to use the art of over thinking and analyzing. We are conditioned to go-go-go until we drop. Relationships suffer because of the multitasking and technology. Allow for YOUR HERE to be another person’s presence. Be willing to provide the sacredness of listening and being in the moment. There are things that are being lost in this new age of technology: speaking, being heard, and being able to decipher the importance of union with your loved ones.
Notice how a dog behaves when you walk out of the room and return. Your are in his “here.” Let’s be like dogs in our commitment to provide space for our loved ones. I see you. I feel you. I honor your existence. I love you. Have a great day.
Moments with Millie 
Love you too, Millie. I always look forward to seeing your posts. There is so much information here when I am here to read it. Your voice comes through so very well in your writing. My husband of almost 30 years is going through his awakening. He has managed to stave off and stuff anything resembling emotion since he was a small child. Over the last 5 years, after I went through my awakening, he has been fighting and flailing around like a large fish on a hook being reeled in, but he has finally, after many false starts, realized that emotions, intimacy and happiness are not here to hurt and destroy him, but to free him, of everything that is not him and that he didn’t do, to cause such fear and loneliness in his life. The fishing analogy was actually a dream he had about being a sword fish, caught and being reeled in, fighting the entire way, exhausted, but fighting desperately to not be killed and eaten. I think it is a very strong example of the ego realizing there is nothing it can do anymore. There is no escape. Since he has been in therapy over the last year, he has been that fish, flailing and doing everything in his power to evade and avoid what has finally become unavoidable…..feeling. A few days ago, it washed over him like a huge wave. He likened it to what it must feel like to be in labor with the contractions hitting a point where you don’t know if you can possibly survive it anymore, but they just keep getting stronger and you don’t know when it will crest and finally give you some respite. I thought that was very insightful. He went through a hell I can only partially understand because my hell was different. My here and his here. For years now, he has flailed, misbehaved, shown me multiple examples of his discomfort and finally asked me for divorces, but I know something he doesn’t…..this is a catch and release program for his soul. The hook and boat he feared so greatly was actually here to save him from being killed and eaten from the inside out. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know myself and I know my heart. His death throes and flailing has been very destructive, but they actually helped me realize my own lurking fears and allow me to release them, for which, I will always be grateful. When he is free and makes sure he has my attention, then gently and sincerely looks into my eyes and asks for a divorce…..when we are both here…..I will know, my heart will know, what to do. I thank you and the very complicated and difficult life you chose. More importantly, I thank you for your courage to share it. It is very difficult to get strong people to ask for help, but when the help is floating around, ever-ready to be plucked by our guides and given to us at the right moment, it can change the world…..one word at a time. You are a gift.
Sent from my iPad
>
My dear Sandra,
I am in awed of your journey. I am proud of your courage to share this…and remarkably proud of your husband. It’s never easy to accept what is right there lurking on the surface. We all have a hard time accepting and acknowledging the authenticity of our journey and stories. You know why? I think we have been conditioned and programmed since birth, especially in this society, to be TOUGH, suck it up, and hide behind masks. Our “heres” are all so special. Not one is better than the other. What separates us from other animals is the ability to reason and choose what we want to share. Your husband has been fighting his purpose so profoundly and intricately that he lost his way…and now…look! He begins. A new birth of sorts. We can avoid the spiritual life. We can hide from our intuition. We can also hide our emotional bodies in the deepest waters of the ocean. Eventually they all show up in the physical body and leak throughout every aspect of our relationships. It’s unavoidable. It’s ridiculous how hard we fight the current. Thank you, my darling, for sharing your profound story. I love you. I hope we cross paths again so I can hug you. Have a blessed day.
Some people only see themselves they are oblivious to others. You are so wise Millie.